Don't lose it yet, baby

I did want to write poetry but I really don't have the heart to, to put into words how I'm feeling I have no clue in all honesty.

All day I've gotten weird looks all because I've been wanting to cry because my period to start or I've been told that its okay, it'll happen soon.

Time is not a thing that has been on my side very much. And the people who have spoken have no clue how it feels to be standing here with my arms empty and my body feels like an empty shell. They have their family and in a way that completeness. I know that it doesn't take a child to make a family but to me, I want a mini-me running around. I want to know how it feels to be a mother in all the aspects. I've been told that maybe the reason why I can't have a child is because God doesn't think I'm ready. Or because I'm just not ready period. Who has the right to make that decision for me? Why can't I make that decision for me? How am I ever suppose to know if I'm not given a chance? There are many people on this earth that have the chance to be parents and still don't care about their kids but no one stood there and told them that they weren't ready or stopped them from having a child. I know that everything happens for a reason but come on. Let me have the chance too.

I wish that people would step outside of their own box and look at the pain written on someone's face and stop talking. But even I have to take my advice. I feel like I've been swallowed up by TTC and I don't know how to crawl out. I feel so selfish and lost and sometimes I forget that Q is having a lot of the same issues. He wants a child as much as I do.

Every time we spend money on something that is frivalous I can't help but think to myself if I were pregnant we would be spending money on important things, on getting ready for our child. When its a cloudy day I can't help but imagine for a moment in clarity of me standing at the front door with my belly protruding and I can't help but close my eyes for a moment and wish it were real but when I open them and see the truth I feel tears prick the corner of my eyes.

How many more times am I going to have to cry when I don't have a period how much longer do I have to wait and get asked when are we having one? And in a joking response to their insensitive question I reply that I'm still talking to the big guy upstairs. And they laugh but inside I feel like I'm going to cry.

Or when Q and I look at each other and he makes me feel better by saying that he'll be telling me I told you so when we're pregnant because he has that never failing faith that we will be. And in all honesty I can't wait for that day because I want to look at him and say you're right baby.

I have a hope chest in our room that makes me feel better and yet worst that has all the baby stuff for our little one. I want our little nudger to come soon. The only relief I find is that maybe our baby hasn't chosen us yet. Maybe those little wings are flapping impatiently as she's looking down from her little cloud and she hasn't seen us yet. Maybe just maybe there's still hope.

AF has come again YAY *not for the faint hearted*

*bouncy aerobic instructor voice* So Af has come again and I am so happy

*back to normal voice* NOT!!!!!!

I want to cry right now I feel horrible I hate the fact that every time it comes I just want to curl up in a little ball and let the tears flow. But I can't - - I'm taking care of my 2 year old nephew and every time he sees me cry he cries too. I don't want to make him sad but kids can sense this and I don't know how to be happy I really don't have the heart to make myself happy right now. And I know realistically I'm the only one who can make myself happy I feel like I've sunked into a depression and I don't know how to get out of it. On facebook I've posted how a wound is opened to me it feels like the scar is getting bigger - -

I don't know how many different ways to try and get this out of my system - - how many describtive (can't spell) words to make it feel better to get myself to understand why this has to happen. Quinton (DH) saids it'll makes us appreciate the baby more - - We have so much love to give in the first place just like everyone else TTC'ing and all I want to do is scream. I can't even write this without trembling and feeling overwhelming anger than sadness. I know how many times this will happen I can't give up - - I don't want to

But sometimes hope seems like a fading light - - But Quinton is so hopeful he hasn't given up I don't know how he does it - - but I love him for it.

When AF happened this morning I woke him up (poor guy worked night shift last night and waking up to a crying woman doesn't improve most guys temperant nor worry) but he handled it wonderfully he sat up and pulled me close and all he said was that everything would be alright that the Gods wouldn't be so cruel to leave people without children.

I pray that he's right because that's all I can do is pray.

Reminder to self - TTA (Try Try Again)

Changes start with me

I quit my job on Monday, September 21, 2009 - - got rid of one stress now moving onto the next one - - I know the downfalls to quitting my job - - I can no longer carry on with fertility treatments because I now have no insurance and I am back at stage one. I am moving out this small town and going to a bigger city that is my stage two in my career movements but I feel lost without any hope.

I know that I have to do this or this job would kill me - - I was so tired of feeling trapped and suffocated. But the sacrifice I had to make was the hardest decision to go with.

I want my child to be born and my heart feels numb as always.

But the stress went away only to be replaced by more stress but that's the way it goes. Have to take the good with the bad.

I would rather be unemployeed than head back to that dreadful place that I called a job. I feel liberated and relieved and though I am saddened at the prospect of not affording fertility treatments I will keep holding onto the shreds of hope that is within me and not give up. Because everything happens for a reason and this change has to happen even if I made it happen.

I am scared because I am moving to a place I've never been to and my husband will remain in this small town until I get everything situated up there. I know I have to be strong and I won't let myself fail but I've never moved anywhere without my husband. He's my rock but I know I can do this. There's a better life out there for us.

I'm holding onto hope I am praying for help and I hope everything works out and we'll have our child soon. All I can do is fold my hands, bend my head down and pray.

Wanting to forget pain

Another negative pregnancy test another useless thought goes across my mind
I don't understand any of this, my body fakes me out when it doesn't give me a period
I thought this time I wouldn't think about it
I've tried everything not to think of it and it no longer hurts
I just knew I needed to type this out before I let it consume me in some form of fashion

I accept what is given to me
I'm done screaming at silent skies
And I'm so tired of trying to make this work

I'll stand back and watch other people have their children and I'll stand here wondering what mine will look like and how does it feel to be pregnant

No humor for me today
No smiles because I don't want to feel anymore

I just don't know what to do anymore
My path stops here for a bit until I figure out where to go from here

Throw my head back and contemplate the silent skies tonight
Because I don't wanna feel

My Therapy

Well, I'm not going to let myself get down so what I've been doing is starting up two things again I have a tote at home where everytime I see a onesie or something that I don't think I will find again I buy it on impulse (it makes going to babies r us easier on me because I'm never leaving empty handed again) the second thing that I'm working on is a journal its filled with all my hopes and pictures and things I want to buy - - I have all my to do lists of when I find out when I'm pregnant its actually really good therapy and cutting out pictures out of baby magazines helps a lot too.

Hubby likes it which tripped me out.

Its like a scrapbook to me and it makes me feel like I'm actually doing something.

My sister in law has been working graveyard and it felt really good last night to have our nephew sleep between us last night hubby looked at me and smiled and said he couldn't wait to have our children lie between us. *grin* It has been my happy thought all day today.

I'm starting to feel better and not so crazy hormonal give me two days and it'll probably happen again. *sighs*

Well, that's all I could think of to write. Write more later.

Always.
B.

One of those Mixed UP Days

Ever had one of those days where you just want to scream your head off and then at the same moment cry. Yep I'm having one of those weeks.

I feel like everytime I turn around there's a mother with her baby or people talking about their kids. Or I get to see a baby commerical every five seconds. Joy!

Its like whoever is upstairs just likes to rub it in my face of what I don't have. Its like when you want something so badly you see it everywhere.

What's up with the world today? And then the insensitivity of it all, well, sometimes I'd rather just crawl into a hole and not deal with any of it at all.

The bright side to all this, well, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger that's as bright as its going to get. In all honesty I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy having to deal with all the stages from envy to jealously to anger to feeling inadequate to fear to withdrawal and crying and finally acceptance for a bit then starting the cycle all over again is a bit difficult to get accoustomed to and then when having to take the pills that bring on the estrogen and the feeling that I'm losing my mind well, frickin joy.

But there are bright sides, able to think of what might be sooner or later. Getting closer to hubby and seeing that through this we grow more comfortable with each other talking about all things concerning my body and his. Able to know that one day we'll be able to shower all our love on our child and become more sure in our decision to have a child. Knowing that we'll look back on this and having hindsight that is 20/20

Yeah, I can't give up on hope can I?

Que sera que sera

Funny update (re-reading it now) I'm lethal

I am only 20 days late *rolls eyes* There comes a time in a woman's life when she looks at mother nature and saids your pissing me off with my own body.

Either she hates me or she enjoys toying with me either one I'm about to scream. The mere sight of my DH is pissing me off and the fact that he doesn't have to worry about bleeding every month drives me crazy sometimes. Not to mention the fact that he's not the one having to worry about popping pills or if we take the IUI route he won't have to worry about being poked just doing the poking (in that case that is a very typical male thing to do in the first place just worry about poking in the right place) *sighs* Okay, I'm done. Anyways, he's going to get me a pregnancy test.

The only thing is the poor guy keeps going what's wrong honey and as I glare at him and say, "I'm pissy, hormonal and don't have a period (in between growling and wants to rip his head off)how are you honey?